Translating the Language of Babies

A True Story

My first staff development day was Tuesday of this week. Believe it or not, it wasn’t really where I wanted to be. Yes, a huge surprise – a teacher not wanting to go to staff development, why that’s as shocking as Paris Hilton getting pulled over for DUI. But believe it or not, it had nothing to do with school at all.

I just wanted to be around my wife. I really wanted to hold my son. That’s the best part of the day, by the way. Having him lay on my chest at night while I read, so that he falls asleep.

So I’m in school, at a staff development day, receiving presents from my awesome staff, getting congrats comments left and right, all of which are bringing me back to the fact that my son is not where I am, and that’s just plain inconvenient.

I get home that evening, just yearning to hold my son. At last, I have him in my arms, and my heart is oozing with joy and love. I smile at him, I talk to him, and we communicate (I use words, he uses facial twitches....we take what we can get). Here was our *actual* conversation. Actual, because I remember wanting to say this stuff to him all day.

“David. Hi buddy. I love you.”
(eyes open, staring at some point on my face)
“I want you to feel safe. Absolutely safe.”
(mouth flops open and shut, open and shut)
“I can’t wait to see you grow up.”
(face remains focused on me, arms randomly flail)
“I will do everything I can for you, I want you to know that.”
(eyes focus very specifically on some random spot in air between his face and mine)
“The future is totally open for you, and I can’t wait to help you into it.”
(body shakes all over, then goes incredibly still and relaxed, representing some form of baby nirvana)
“I love you so much, David.”
(body remains still, time pauses)

Now, that’s a funny phrase, you’re saying to yourself. “Time pauses.” Isn’t it supposed to be “Time stops?” In most cases…yes. But not here. It paused. Paused, you see, because time immediately started back up when he projectile vomited all over me. Yes, projectile. He got my bicep, registering distance of at least a foot. He got my elbow, forearm, chest, and side. He got my shirt, my shorts, the chair, a random pair of pants, and his entire outfit.

Which leads you to my conclusion. When babies coo, they are happy. When babies cry, they need something (food, attention, a diaper change, or just a good book to read). When babies are quiet, they are content. When babies sleep, they are saying “leave me alone if you know what’s good for you.”

And when babies projectile vomit, they are actually saying “I love you too.”