Adventures in Diapering

(Excerpt from the new book based on the accounts of world-renowned mother Heather, and written, illustrated, and exaggerated by not-as-world renowned Rob.)

It seemed like it would be just another diaper change. I’d change him on the floor, use the baby wipes, put on the new diaper, and go back to what I was doing previously: one-player scrabble, a good competitive match that I was winning.

I gently placed him on the changing pad. As he began his ritual of squirming, whining, and crying, I finished closing the HAZ-MAT suit. Checking my oxygen levels, I knew I was good for a while. With my mind at ease, I began my work.

To my surprise, his diaper barely needed changing. I noticed the slightest hint of defecation, like a small oasis in the middle of a vast desert. Why can't my family members be here to watch this one, one so simple and easy as this one? Can't win them all, I thought, as I began to wipe.

Something in my mind began screaming at me. Cautiously, I surveyed my surroundings. It was quiet. Too quiet. I looked down, and saw a serene, calm son staring back at me.

It was then that the small oasis became a vast geyser, soaking everything. Pee went everywhere. I panicked…I wasn’t ready for this. I scrambled to minimize the damage, grabbing anything I could find to prevent further leakage.

And suddenly, the most deafening sound cut through the room. It sounded like a gunshot, ceasing all other noise. In a state of shock, I checked my body for the wound, but found none. There was no evidence of a bullet hole anywhere. Confused, I returned to my work…

…and noticed that the diaper was now full.

(excerpt from “Adventures in Diaper-Changing,” published by Squirmy, Whiner, and Poo International. The full book hits newsstands when my son can control his bladder)