Decoding David

Finally, after 5 weeks of round-the-clock observations, reviewing hours of video, and conferring with our parents, we have created our guide to recognizing, understanding, and acting on David's emotions. What was it like? Were the settings controlled? Procedures mapped out? Was everyone wearing 100% cotton? Well, picture this: a bunch of people in white lab coats, holding clipboards and sitting around a child. Then add a chimpanzee, a llama on a bicycle, and the Trogdor arcade game. Finish it off with a water-slide and a Chocolate Sundae, and that describes the attention span of the average middle-school student. What, David? Oh, right. Sorry...my attention span wandered a bit. Got thinking of that time at Waterslide World...

For those of you who haven't spent a lot of time around babies, babies can be tricky. They can't communicate with words, can't use sign language, and really only make a few sounds that you often have to decipher which end they came from. And then there is a baby's body language...they tend to send mixed motions. An example:

"David, your hand is in the air. Do you have a question? No, that's not it...are you pumping iron? Uh...now you're hitting yourself in the face. Are you a Red Sox fan. No, that's not it. You swallowed a bug? Having an allergic reaction to--

Oh. God bless you."

So, for those of you who want a head-start at reading our child, here's a guide to his emotions. We like to call it "The DaVidi Code." Or "ToddlePoopa Nights: The Ballad of David James." On second thought...we'll just stick with the title of the post: "Decoding David".

	FEELING: Moderate Nuisance WHEN: Whenever I have the camera WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY: "Another post? Didn't you just do one? And you want to take how many pictures? Fine, fine, fine, let's get on with it already. Am I old enough to know what an agent is?"
	FEELING: Overtired. WHEN: Most of the time. WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY: "zzzzz..... huh..... too.... early.... Mocha... need a Mocha... to start... the day..."
	FEELING: Moderately Offended WHEN: Anytime he is inconvenienced. WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY: "Decaffeinated Mocha? Pah-lease..."
	FEELING: Like Elvis. WHEN: Not sure, but I want it to stop as soon as possible. WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY: "Hey, baby. I'll be your baby, baby. Love me tender?"
	FEELING: Overwhelmed with song. WHEN: Only when he's outdoors, free, running up through a field on a mountainside... WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY: "The hills are alive...with the sound of music..."
	FEELING: Baby Nirvana WHEN: Whenever the kid poops. WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY: "Finally! I thought that would NEVER come out!"
	FEELING: A bit worried. WHEN: Most often when he can't get his hands into his mouth. WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY: "I sense...a disturbance...in the force. I...feel a presence I have not felt in...in...at least 2 hours. Can someone change my diaper?"
	FEELING: More than a bit worried. WHEN: More often than Mommy and Daddy would like. WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY: "Baldness is genetic? Nooooooo!!!!!!"
	FEELING: Tired. WHEN: Not as often as Mommy and Daddy would like. WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY: "Boy, sleeping sure tires me out. Should I sleep for a few hours? Hm....what time is it? Midnight? Oh, power nap then. See you in 45 minutes..."
	FEELING: Ready to Sneeze WHEN: Who cares! It's THE CUTEST thing you've ever seen. WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY: "I've got a secret. Come closer. Closer..."
	FEELING: Annoyed. Seriously Annoyed. WHEN: After like 20 pictures, wouldn't you be mad too? WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY: "If you put that camera in my face ONE MORE TIME...Don't make me vomit on you!"
	FEELING: Happily asleep. WHEN: After his 30-minute photo shoot. WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY: "Zzzzzzzzzz......llamas.....on a bicycle....tee hee hee....zzzzzzz..."

Hope you enjoyed my jump into tables. If someone can please explain to me how to get rid of that huge space between my intro and my table, drop me an e-mail. Boy is that annoying me...