Job Offer: Experienced Nanny

Experienced Nanny Wanted

We are looking for an experienced nanny for full-time work. Previous experience a must. Requirements must include the following:

• able to swaddle a baby (a la Doctor's way, a la Lindsey's way)
• able to change a baby (preferably into something that doessn't cry)
• ably to think multiple-sneezes and poop-grunts are extremely cute
• desire to be urinated on (allergies to urine are not allowed)
• able to function between 12PM and 8am (unlike baby's father)
• able to use a microwave. Stove experience a bonus!
• able to nurse a plus (hm...that's a bit awkward...)

Please send resumes to this blog site, including four letters of reference, two must be from someone 6 months or younger. Also, in 500 words or less, write an essay from one of the following ideas:

• "Why babies often look like lizards, despite how much mom says they take after their father."
• "Compare and contrast the following: a sleeping baby, a crying baby, a baby that has just peed all over you."
• "At what age should you stop using a rectal thermometer?"

OTHER JOB INFORMATION:

Date Posted: 8/31/06
Job Type: Full Time
Education: At least the 4th grade
Compensation: Free bed, free food, occasional pat on the back




In other news...it has come to my attention that some of you want BACKGROUNDS for your computer screens. Here are two of them.

Click on the picture you would like, and it will open a NEW WINDOW with a full size picture (1800x1200) that should fit on any screen setting. Then right-click the picture (in the new window) and select the option "SET AS BACKGROUND."

ENJOY! If you have any more requests (or requests for more specific pictures), just leave a comment!

The Return of the Patrick

The phone rings. My wife, grumbling under her breath something about her husband hanging up the cordless again instead of leaving it by the couch, walks over and hits a button. The phone beeps once, connects, and through the earpiece, my wife hears "Can we come over?"

Patrick and Kassie: Part Deux

You'd think that would be from a local friend, community member, or perhaps even a Jehovah Witness. No, it was actually from Patrick and Kassie, over 200 miles away. People who travel over 200 miles north generally approach that question with a "Can we come up to see you?" or "Which part of the 'middle of nowhere' are you? Oh, the middle..." or "the sled is all set, and the dogs are excited. See you in a few hours!"

Patrick's Favorite Place: where ever David is!

Regardless, we were ecstatic to welcome Patrick and Kassie back for visit number 2. They made it for about a day, which was enough time to eat dinner, whip me in scrabble, sleep, and (of course) get peed on. When I asked Patrick the real reason he came up, he finally conceded that is was not to see us, see David, or enjoy the beautiful drive through the Adirondacks, but it was simply a shameless attempt to get more of his pictures on the website.

David's first 'This Little Piggy' game

I decided I'd be the good, moral person that I am and fully support this family photo competition. Drop everything that is going on in your life, and get on up here! Make the scenic drive (long enough to challenge even the fastest of superheroes) up through the lush Adirondack Park and visit your favorite 12 day old! As a token of our appreciation, we'll put a photo of you on the website!

Patrick's Hand and Nephew

Legal Disclaimer:
You must be at least 18 years old to drive, unless you and your friend split duties between the pedals and the steering wheel, in which case your cumulative ages must be 18 or older. We will not pay for gas, food, or cover the cost of any accidents, vehicular or otherwise. Picture choice is subject to the webmaster's discretion, and could include any of the following parts of you to qualify as being your photo: face, hand, finger, foot, elbow, shoelace, toenail. Adirondack Park features one restroom every 30 miles. Dropping everything isn't always wise, especially dropping bad news, acid, or a small child. Anyone who is pregnant, nursing, breathing, or operating heavy machinery should not take this medication without first consulting their doctor.

The Weekend Visitors

Aunt Lindsey and Aunt Merritt were up for the weekend, along with Alan. What a fantastic time! They just loved everything that had to do with David, including holding him, changing him, and hearing (almost) all about the delivery. It was a great time.

Alas, now they are gone, along with Alan and Super Grandma. It was so weird when they all left. Heather and I just kinda walked in the house, sat down, and didn't really say much. It was very quiet. Then the baby started doing his thing (that would be crying), and we began doing our thing (changing, feeding, burping, feeding, burping, seeing how long until we have to do that again).

One more side note. Lindsey and Merritt brought up some presents, and they actually got ME one. That's right! I got something! It is awesome: the weapon of choice in a father's first line of defense. It is none other than...the "Pee pee Teepee." A testament of Canadian ingenuity. It was awesome. And it worked great for me.

But not for Lindsey.

Less-Serious End-Of-Week Time

In honor of Friday, the day that David was born, the last day of the workweek, the last name of my second grade teacher (Fry), the most often-consumed food at McDonald's (they claim that they're made from Potatoes, but you and I both know better)....I will reserve all of the funny candid photos for Friday.

7 Day Old in a 3 Month Old outfit.
or
"Swimming in Blue"

I"ll try to come up with some witty and catchy name, like "Funny Friday" or "Friday the Funny-teenth" or "Less-Serious End-of-Week Time." Or perhaps I'll open it up to suggestions from you. And I'll make some fun commercial song for it, that goes something like:

"Check the calendar, what does it say?
It just so happens to be Friday!
The workweek is down to the end of the line!
It's the 'Less-Serious End-Of-Week Time' Time!"

Seriously. More catchy then the Pepto-Bismol rap. Click the link, hit the "Dance Machine" link on the bottom left corner, and do it. You won't be disappointed, I promise. The cowboy dancing in the road is my favorite.

Asleep, yet still able to take his own picture!

After days of racking my brain, I was finally able to get access to Dianne's digital camera photos, a process that involved a banana, my palm pilot, and a giant trampoline. So all of today's pictures (and yesterday's, too) were taken on Super Grandma's digital camera. As a side note, it was this camera that also took the famed 'poop' shots. But they have since been deleted in fear that the image would be permanently burned into the camera's LCD screen. Plus, the camera smelled kinda funky.

"Oh, that's how these special pillows are used!"

As we celebrate my son's one-week old birthday and begin the second week of his life, we hope you enjoy these pictures. And by we, I am of course referring to David and his poop.

The Poopie Monster

(sung to the tune of "C is for Cookie" by the muppets)

Now what starts with the letter "P"?
"Poopie" starts with "P"!
Let's think of other things that starts with "P"!
Uh. . .Uh. . . Who cares about da other things?!

P is for Poopie
It's what I did last night.
P is for Poopie
It's what I did last night.
P is for Poopie
It's what I did last night.
Oh, poopie, poopie, poopie starts with P!


That's right, ladies and gentlemen. It's been 3 days, and mommy and daddy (and grandma) were starting to worry, but last night, after 5 to 10 minutes of fussy behavior that was very foreign to our son, a sudden wave of calm and stillness crept over his body. As I looked down, I felt those little abdominal and leg muscles begin to work, and then I heard the most wonderful sound a father could hear. Poop! You know you're a parent when...

While I could have brought in pictures of my son and his poop (yes, we took them, but only to show my wife who was in the other room), I have decided to wisely not go that route. Something about listening to the hearts of the readers, or playing to the masses, or some such nonsense. If I was a pop artist, it would be called "selling out." If I was a performance artist, it would be called "hip."


FINAL STATUS UPDATE
(since leaving the Hospital)
Poop: Once.
Peed on Dad: Twice.
Peed on Grandma: Once
(almost Twice. She's quick!)
Peed on Mom: None.
Peed on wall: Once.

Marking His Territory

Well, David has finally done it. In his desire to mark his territory and lay claim to all that he possesses and controls...my son urinated on me. All over me.


Yes, believe it. That cute guy you see to your left...he did this! I was in the middle of changing him. All of a sudden, I have this warm, wet feeling on my right arm. Notice I didn't say my right hand, or elbow, or wrist or shoulder. No, I said my right arm. As in my ENTIRE right arm. From hand to bicep.

David sits comfortably in Grandpa's arms.

I look down, and see that he is just peeing away on daddy. My hand instinctually comes up as a shield, but the damage has been done. My arm (and side) is now littered with pee stains - my first real battle scars. In the mean time, my wife is just enjoying herself immensely, laughing it up. I join in on the laughter, while subtly scouting the area for a towel.

David rests in the arms of Uncle Patrick.

Ironically enough, our homework (teachers can be given homework?!?) from our pediatrician was to see if David peed in a steady stream. At first, I pictured us just sitting on a couch, watching our naked child for like 2 hours until he peed. Well, I'm pleased to report the stream is steady, the arc is good....and the aim is perfect.

David is caught in a yawn by Kassie and her camera skills.

I leave you with this final thought. While playing Scrabble with my wife, we confronted the dictionary for some word that started with "we-" that I can't remember. I grabbed the OFFICIAL SCRABBLE DICTIONARY, and opened it to the page. It was then that I noticed that "weewee" is an official scrabble word. So is "weeweed" and "weeweeing."

David's position of choice for sleeping.

In honor of David "weeweeing" all over his father, I hope you enjoy the random mix of really really cute pictures we have taken of David thus far. And this is good timing, because I most go weewee (which would get me 16 points if I put it on a double word score).


"Man, eating and sleeping is a rough life..."

Uncle Patrick and Aunt Kassie

You know what it is like when a kid walks into a candy store for the first time? His mouth drops open, and his eyes slowly but methodically take in every element in front of him. And finally, that mouth slowly forms into the biggest ear-to-ear smile that would make the Cheshire Cat jealous.


That was Patrick.


Any chance he could get, he was holding that child. It was so beautiful to watch. He was so happy and excited to get to hold his nephew.



Kassie was equally excited. She loved every second she could get with little David. She had this wonderful smile, and a hint of concern and love that comes so foreign to us guys but so naturally to that strange race of people we call 'women.' Of course, having like 749 younger siblings probably trains you for that sort of thing, but still.




Heather and I both agreed: it was just awesome to have them come up and see them so excited and willing to be a part of David's life.









Enjoy the Uncle Patrick and Aunt Kassie pictures.

Super Grandma!

We are home from the hospital now (as of Sunday afternoon), and we are already realizing the blessing it is to have Dianne around. People keep telling you how tired you'll be, and how things change, but trust me when I say you can't possibly understand it until it's here. Dianne will be here all this week, which is going to help both of us immensely.


As for young David, he's doing ok. He's still getting used to feeding. Everything is still so new, and we've been told (by thousands of people) that it takes time. Last night, he slept for 3.5 hours straight (which means Mom and Grandma also slept), which was very nice. And for those of you wondering where Daddy was, he was quarantined off by mom to the bedroom, with the AC on as loud as possible, so he could sleep and thus be helpful during the day time. It was the first time I've slept anything worth mentioning for a few days, and it was wonderful.


And now, some more pictures. These are from when we were in the hospital. Alan and Dianne were up that morning (they left Nassau at like 2:30am when we said we were going to the hospital). Patrick and Kassie were able to come up late Friday night and be around all of Saturday, which was just awesome. Enjoy the pictures!

Comments and more pictures.

Feel free to leave lots of comments. In fact, I think I even set it up so you can do that. I have a feeling you couldn't before, but I played with some settings today to make it work. Do me a favor and give it a try so I know it's working. And because I like comments too!

More pictures!!!

David James, lying comfortably on mom.

The Newest Allen Family.

David James has arrived!!!

After nine months in the making, our child has arrived. David James was born at 5:32am on Friday, August 18th 2006. He weighed 8 pounds, 13 ounces, and was 20 inches long. Baby is extremely healthy (and wonderful), and has this really really cute cry that you all must here. It's so great!

David James in his cute little hat and blanket, compliments of the hospital.

Mom is also doing very well, but is a tad bit upset that her "shelf" is gone. Her shelf, for those of you who have never been pregnant, refers to a pregnant woman's belly. When you are sitting in a chair, your belly is SO big that you can actually rest things on it (like a sandwich, a bowl of cereal, or a remote control). It is perhaps the only convenient thing about pregnancy, as she rarely needs to shift, lean over, or reach out for things. Alas, a sad day for the convenience shelf. But we'll get over it.

Mother and Son, a few hours after delivery.

Feast your eyes on our son, David James! Prizes will be awarded to the best "he has more hair than his father" comment! (More posts coming in the next 24 hours, especially some incredible details on the labor and delivery process)