First Annual Daddy Day

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Today is the first ever DADDY DAY. Heather will be out all day (with a noon-ish stop back here for a bit), so I am on baby duty ALL DAY. No help. No friends. No sleeping. No ability to nurse. It promises to be an exciting day. Let's go down to our announcer on the field.

Hi guys, this is Al Michaels. Emotions are running really high down here. It promises to be a great day all around. I was talking to the father earlier today, and he feels confident that his team can pull the upset win, even though they were having some issues with the number 1 pooper this morning. But they are all smiles and full of confidence. I'm excited to see how this plays out. Back to you guys in the booth.

Thanks, Al. Well, we're going to bring you the action all day, depending on if and when we have time to give you updates. So check back often, stay tuned, and remember to fear communism! The Red Sc- what? Oh, that's done with. Well, then make sure you vote.

Daddy Day Begins!

7:45am: Mommy is in the shower, Daddy is in his bed, and David is in his bed. David promptly wakes daddy up (ironically enough at the time Mommy was going to wake up Daddy). A very groggy Daddy gets up, puts on his clothes, and then notices that David has fallen back asleep. So this is how it begins...

8:15am: Mommy leaves, saying something to the effect of "Wow, this is so backwards." Daddy has the food supply at the ready, and takes his son upstairs to help clean out the office.

8:20-8:30am: David poops. Yes, all 10 minutes. It appears Daddy will be earning his keep.

8:30am-9:30am: David spends time in his seat, making lots of 'coo-ing' sounds, especially after he sneezes.

9:30am-9:50am: David spends some time on a pillow on my lap, while I do some things on the computer. He loves looking at the two monitors, and loves watching things move from one monitor to the other, and back again.

9:50am-?: David finally falls asleep. The office cleaning begins...

9:50-10:30am: David sleeps, I clean. He stirs at 10:30. I look around the office, and say to myself, "Did I even do anything?"

10:30-10:45am: David gets fed. 6 oz. Boy am I tired. During this time, I enjoy watching the beginning of "Sum of All Fears," the one about the nuclear bomb at a football game. Near the end of his feeding, David drops his own bomb.

10:45-11:30am: David enjoys time on the frog-thingie. I continue to watch the movie, occasionally kicking the hanging items. He's just loving it the whole time.

11:30-noon: He suddenly stops loving it the whole time...that's his subtle way of telling me "go change my diaper." This kid LOVES getting his diaper changed. He's all smiles, all coos, all the time. I spend a few minutes playing with him, and I make up a game that ALWAYS gets him to smile and coo. So cool.

noon-12:15: Mom comes home. David is so happy to see her that he's suddenly struck with the 'hungries.'

12:15-1:30PM: Since mom's home, I get to shower and clean a few things up. I make lunch, and we tag-team baby duty.

1:30-2:10PM: Mom's gone, and Daddy Day resumes. David enjoys the first 30 minutes in a chair while I continue to work in the office, and spends the last 10 minutes protesting the fact that he is still in the chair. I finish my small project, apologize, and put him on a huge pillow on my lap.

2:15-2:45PM: David sleeps on my lap. He is so cute, so adorable, and he does NOT wake up when I type this update on the keyboard.

2:45-3:30PM: David wakes up. He so kindly and considerately asks to be fed (parents can read between the lines on that one). After feeding him again, he promptly falls asleep on my chest. Got through most of "Sum of All Fears."

3:30-4:00PM: David stayed asleep during the escort upstairs to his bed, which looks good for me. I may actually have a larger block of time to do stuff! We'll see...

4:00-4:15: David wakes up with the "wraith" screams. This means something is wrong. I pick him up, and quickly discover what is wrong. His diaper, his clothes, and the pillow beneath him are now wet. One diaper change and one outfit later (and a few minutes of playing, of course!), and David is ready to go.

4:15-5PM: David sits in the chair in the office while I continue to do random things here and there. He's beginning to fuss, and I'm beginning to do the math...it's been about 2 hours since his last feeding. Sigh...

5:00-5:30PM: I get David downstairs, get the food ready, and feed him. Finished "Sum of All Fears."

5:30-6:30PM: David enjoys time on the swinging-seat, and more time on the floor-frog, but he just seems agitated. No matter what I do, he can't seem to be pleased. The most comfortable position seems to be on my chest. So I compromise, sit there for an hour, start "Sum of All Fears" again, this time with the director and Tom Clancy's commentary. Very funny, by the way. The first thing Tom Clancy says is "Hi, I'm Tom Clancy, and I wrote the book 'Sum of All Fears,' which they pretty much ignored when making the movie." And he spends most of the commentary saying "Yeah, that's crap. It would never happen that way," and "That's bull$#!^." The guy is BRILLIANT by the way. He sees one random caption, with a boat in the water and some random Russian body of water, and says "Funny, how a huge boat like that would be in that small lake, which happens to have a dam in it." Very funny stuff. Little tension-filled. Definitely enjoyable. But I'm sidetracked.

6:30-7:00PM: David's still not happy, but it works better if he's not happy in the office, so I can get stuff done.

7:00-7:30PM: David finally falls asleep, just in time for mommy to return with groceries. We unload everything, and as we get everything in, he wakes up. The boy has great timing.

7:30-8:15PM: Mom nurses, Dad puts away all the groceries. Fun times.

Daddy Day builds to an exciting conclusion

CONCLUSION: After nursing, Mom asks if I can take the child while she goes to the bathroom. I do, and he's agitated again. Not sure what to do about it, so I just hold him. Finally he goes still.

And that's when I should have figured it out.

The kid pooped harder and louder than I have ever heard before. So much poop, so little time. From the bathroom, Heather yells "Was that him?!?" (for the time being, please ignore what that implies about me). "Yes," I reply, as I reach my hand down to check to see how the diaper did.

Not so well.

I feel...wetness. I cringe. I pick my son up, and look at his back. There is a nice brown area that offers a nice constrast to the blue outfit he has on. Wait, the area is getting bigger. Oh no.

So I run upstairs. Plop him on the table. Get to the diaper. It had no chance. There was so much poop it had nowhere else to go but up his back. I clean him off, take off the clothes (which have now soaked through to the pad on the changing table). I begin to get the new clothes on him, and stop to play with him for a bit. After a few moments of laughter, he goes still again.

Yes. Freakin' again.

Another loud poop. I stare back at him, trying to use my gaze to bore through his very being. He returns the favor by farting. And grunting. And poops again.

My wife, who has been up here for the entire episode, just barely smiles. Inside her head, of course, bands are playing, people are parading down the street, and the crowd is cheering like it has never cheered before. People are making speeches, trees are growing, flowers are blooming, planes are flying overhead, clowns are being shot out of cannons, and baby seals are clubbing people. But on the outside, she maintains an air of dignity, grace, and respect.

I, on the other hand, strap him into the changing table, and walk away.


And so, the First Annual Daddy Day ends.