10 Things Learned in 25 Days of David

10. Before the pregnancy, I used to ask my wife “How are you doing?” During the pregnancy, it became “Did you throw up?” Now, it’s “How much sleep did you get?” Ah…the beauties of growing up.

9. To grandparents, there’s something cute about their offspring being defecated and urinated on by a grandchild.

8. Changing a diaper is like eating a box of chocolates: you never know what you’re gonna get.

7. Everyone thinks dropping a child is a parent’s worst fear. It’s not. A parent’s worst fear is a wide-awake child at 2am.

6. Babies communicate very well. They just lack specificity.

5. My son choking and my son farting sound eerily similar. Fortunate for us, he farts a whole bunch.

4. Nursing is a misnomer. It should be called ‘Leeching.’

3. Common belief states that ‘babies are cute.’ That’s right - everything is cute…from cooing to wheezing, pooping to crawling. Yes, everything is cute…as long as it falls between 8am and 10pm EST.

2. You will never again take for granted 5 free minutes.

1. No matter the age of the infant, a romantic evening with the wife is still a wonderful thing. We look forward to one sometime in February.

Translating the Language of Babies

A True Story

My first staff development day was Tuesday of this week. Believe it or not, it wasn’t really where I wanted to be. Yes, a huge surprise – a teacher not wanting to go to staff development, why that’s as shocking as Paris Hilton getting pulled over for DUI. But believe it or not, it had nothing to do with school at all.

I just wanted to be around my wife. I really wanted to hold my son. That’s the best part of the day, by the way. Having him lay on my chest at night while I read, so that he falls asleep.

So I’m in school, at a staff development day, receiving presents from my awesome staff, getting congrats comments left and right, all of which are bringing me back to the fact that my son is not where I am, and that’s just plain inconvenient.

I get home that evening, just yearning to hold my son. At last, I have him in my arms, and my heart is oozing with joy and love. I smile at him, I talk to him, and we communicate (I use words, he uses facial twitches....we take what we can get). Here was our *actual* conversation. Actual, because I remember wanting to say this stuff to him all day.

“David. Hi buddy. I love you.”
(eyes open, staring at some point on my face)
“I want you to feel safe. Absolutely safe.”
(mouth flops open and shut, open and shut)
“I can’t wait to see you grow up.”
(face remains focused on me, arms randomly flail)
“I will do everything I can for you, I want you to know that.”
(eyes focus very specifically on some random spot in air between his face and mine)
“The future is totally open for you, and I can’t wait to help you into it.”
(body shakes all over, then goes incredibly still and relaxed, representing some form of baby nirvana)
“I love you so much, David.”
(body remains still, time pauses)

Now, that’s a funny phrase, you’re saying to yourself. “Time pauses.” Isn’t it supposed to be “Time stops?” In most cases…yes. But not here. It paused. Paused, you see, because time immediately started back up when he projectile vomited all over me. Yes, projectile. He got my bicep, registering distance of at least a foot. He got my elbow, forearm, chest, and side. He got my shirt, my shorts, the chair, a random pair of pants, and his entire outfit.

Which leads you to my conclusion. When babies coo, they are happy. When babies cry, they need something (food, attention, a diaper change, or just a good book to read). When babies are quiet, they are content. When babies sleep, they are saying “leave me alone if you know what’s good for you.”

And when babies projectile vomit, they are actually saying “I love you too.”

Labor Day Weekend

What a fantastic weekend we just had. We were visited by not one, not two, but three groups of relatives, all of whom had to brave the sign-less, road-less, bridge-less, bathroom-less drive through the Adirondacks, where the average towns are 20 miles apart, feature 2 gas stations, 3 traffic lights, and seem to exist at the ever-important meeting of two main roads. Here is the weekend overview:

My brother Jim, his wife Cath, and his children Justin (six) and Chelsea (free) came up to visit, along with my parents, who will be referred to Grampy (over 50) and Grammy (29). They all stayed in "The Barn." Only in the North Country could a part of a motel be called "The Barn." They arrived Friday, with my brother's family leaving Sunday and my parents leaving Monday.

Uncle Brian (immortal) and Aunt Sue (immortal by marriage) also came up for two days. What a terrific time we all had. Whether it was relaxing together at "The Barn" or having dinner atthe house of Sean (28) and Andrea (version 3.1 - will be 4.0 around April the doctor thinks), it was just a great time...the stuff that wonderful memories are made of. Expect more photos from this weekend in posts through the coming week.


In closing, and on the eve of the school year, I'd just like to thank, as profoundly as I can, all of the family and friends who have visited us in words, messages, phone calls, e-mails, prayers, and even in person. It has been a great couple of weeks for Heather, David, and I. You are all a tremendous blessing to us. Our thoughts, love, and prayers go out to each and every one of you, and we hope to see you all sometime soon.

Housekeeping!

Before I begin, a few housekeeping items you should know. I keep hearing about all these people who are checking out the site, and I'm both flattered, honored, and suffering from some nasty gas (performance anxiety - nervousness that performers get - comes in all forms. Makes you feel bad for the piano players who accompanied me on all those music school recitals). Anywho, here are some important things to know about the site:

• The homepage is going to show ONLY posts from the previous 7 days. Each post has a bunch of photos, and those take time to load up. Plus, when you factor in all my sarcasm, my BS, and my wit....well, we're talking about some serious bandwidth.
• For previous posts, visit the ARCHIVE. Currently, this blog archives by the month. Frankly, I think that stinks, and as soon as I can figure out the code to do it, I'll fix it. Of course, I said the same thing about that Dan Brown book, and I still don't see it. What was the riddle again? "The son of con of man?" "The con of sun?" I remember: "The con of the summer is the movie." Got it.
• Notice the left side of the page. To some, it's called the sidebar. To others, its called the bar on the side (it's a left-brain right-brain distinction). You'll notice several things: it has a blurb, a profile, and a picture, but more importantly, links to the previous posts and links to the archives. That's for you to navigate around. Feel free.
• CLICK THE PICTURES. This is a new feature that I'm trying to consistently maintain, because the blog site doesn't always get it right (that is textbook usage of a scapegoat, ladies and gentlemen). If you click the pictures, it SHOULD open a new window with a larger picture that is background-friendly. It should be a 1600x1200 picture.
• Final thing, a bit more serious. Has to do with privacy. If you don't want your photo or name on this website, PLEASE TELL ME. I can delete or edit anything. Seriously - just call me, tell me, or post a comment and I will get right on it. If I post your social security number, however, tough luck. Serves you right for giving it to me in the first place.

OK, OK!!! Back to real life! On Friday, my parents came up, along with my brother and his family. Saturday, Uncle Brian and Aunt Sue also joined us. So I'm pretty much set for the week with pictures! Here are pictures of just my parents (that would be Grammy and Grampy in babyspeak, which is all my parents speak now a days). More of my brother's family, as well as SueBrian (which, if you mix the letters, can spell "Sir Anube" or "Are in Bus") coming over the next day or two!

Less-Serious End-Of-Week II

That's right, folks. Due to a lack of suggestions on what to call this Fictitious Friday, this Holy Humdinger of the week, this Playful Posting, this Gaseous Generation (sorry about that last one...Roget's Thesaurus lists 'Gas' as a synonym for 'Funny', and 'Generation' as a synonym for 'Day'...how about 'Crap' as a synonym for 'your thesaurus website'), we are having our Less-Serious End-Of-Week post. Today's post....

"Inspired Monologues..."

"This is so boring. All I do is eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. Seriously. Being a baby is so lame. The highlight of my day is trying to pee on my parents. What kind of creature can make that sad claim? That's it. I'm staging a protest. No more eating and sleeping until I get do so something new. Something fun...some...thing..."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"...Huh? Crap. I fell asleep AGAIN. Yeah, you just wait until I can crawl around..."

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"You'd scream too if you looked like this guy."

"All I want to do is play Scrabble!!!"

"My daddy thinks I'm a prop. I swear, I'm going to develop a COMPLEX from the flash of his camera. PUT ME DOWN, YOU BAFFOON!!! Just wait until you change me..."

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"(villanous laugh) Muah ha ha ha!!! I have these pathetic humans right where I want them! As they continue to 'oooh' and 'aaah' over me, I'm slowly bringing my plans to fruition! They make stupid faces at me, I make plans of their untimely demise!!! The idiots actually think I SLEEP at night. Little do they know the people who I have been communicating with, the resources we have pulled together, the way we are slowly bringing their doom upon them. It is I who keeps leaving the milk out! It is I who leaves the toilet seat up! The seeds of discourse are growing...and when the right time comes, they will they have a surprise waiting for them! The planet will be mine! And next, the universe! Muah ha ha ha!!! You just wait until the lights go out!!! Muah ha ha ha ha!!!"

-CLICK-

"Wha-? Blast him and that camera! Oh no, the plans...does he know? Quick, look cute!"

-CLICK-

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